As an international student, I have what’s called “Overseas Student Health Cover” – it’s not part of the Australian Medicare (socialized medicine) system, nor is it as comprehensive as private insurance. Basically, emergency needs are covered, general doctor’s visits are 70% reimbursed, I get reimbursed on prescriptions which cost between 30 and 50 dollars, but it does not cover “ancillary” services such as vision, dental or physiotherapy. So I’ve been a bit worried about all the PT visits. I informed the hospital many times that I’m covered by this OSHC group, and that bills should be directed to them.

Not long after I was discharged, I received a bill from the hospital for the room charges for the four nights I was hospitalised, for 5,496 dollars. I re-informed the hospital that they should direct the bill to OSHC. Then in January, I received a notice from a debt collector that the bill was still unpaid… and then I started getting phone calls.

Thankfully, the collector was not the type to suggest cement shoes; in fact he was tremendously polite. Once I explained my situation to him, he simply asked that I be sure to communicate the bill to the insurance group. I turned that over to the OSHC rep who visits campus and figured that was that. While on holiday three months later, I got another phone call from the debt collector, who wanted me to know that the bill was still unpaid, and would I be so kind as to try to poke the OSHC to take care of it?

When I called the OSHC, however, they had no record of that bill being submitted. I told them that I had personally handed it over to my rep. They asked me to get the hospital to resubmit the bill.
Rather than wanting to deal with the hospital’s billing department, I went back to the OSHC rep and gave her a copy of a copy I had made (because I’m smart like that) of the debt collector’s request. She spent a half an hour searching her files for my original submission, and was super-perplexed that she couldn’t find it. “Are you sure you gave it to me?” she asked, “and not to the other rep that comes on Fridays? Do you remember giving it to me??”

And of course I was sure because this particular rep has a very heavy Asian accent. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I was certain it was she, because I remembered her voice. It’s like Minh’s on King of the Hill. Anyway, after watching her shuffle papers and search computer files for what seemed like forever, she sighed and said, “We have to go into resubmit. Get the hospital to print you another bill, and come back to me with it.”

So, when next in at the hospital for a physio visit, I stopped off at the Ortho clinic to ask them about how to begin.  I tried to keep it simple. “I need a copy of a bill.” I said. “I’m sure you’re not the person to do that, but where should I go to get one – is there a billing department?”

She stared at me for a second. “We don’t really do bills.” She said. “I know” I replied. “I’m just wondering who I should talk to. Do you know where the billing department is?” She stared at me again, got up from her chair and walked through an office door. She returned a moment later with – someone, her supervisor, I suppose. I asked again.

“We don’t really do bills,” said the Supervisor. So I explained the whole situation, the OSHC, the debt collector, the lost submission, the need to request a new bill. The supervisor twitched her nose. “There isn’t really a billing department for the hospital.” She said ponderously. Like hell there isn’t. “Maybe you should talk to Legal.”

I went to Legal. “We… don’t really do bills.” Legal said. “Do you need a medical certificate, like a note from the Doctor?” I spewed the whole story again. “AH!” said Legal. “I think I understand. Maybe you should speak to Finance.” And where, may I ask, would I find Finance? “I’ll call them for you.”

She got Finance on the phone. I told Finance the story. “We can’t really print a bill for just anyone,” said Finance. “I’m going to put you through to our Special Cases Department.”

Special Cases asked for the story again. “And so,” I concluded to Special Cases, “I just need a printed bill. For the room charges. For five thousand, four hundred and ninety-six dollars.”

“A bill…” mused Special Cases. “Wait, do you need an invoice?”

“…Yes… That would work also.”

Special cases told me he could mail me an invoice that day. He verified my address and told me to expect it within fourteen days. I thanked him, thanked Legal, and exited the office. I stifled a lunatic giggle as I crossed the carpark.

The bill – oh, pardon me, invoice – arrived a week later. There were extra charges listed on this one: in addition to the thirteen-hundred-dollar-per-night motel bill, there was a five-point charge for what looked like… parts.

That’s right, PARTS. Excluding labor, I can now put a dollar price on my bionic elbow. As follows:

Cortex screws, self-tapping. 4@93.00 = 372.00
Locking head screw. 4@180.00 = 720.00
Humerus Plates. 2@1308.00 = 2616.00
Headless Compression Screw 1@196.00 = 196.00
KWire 1@54.00 = 54.00
TOTAL 3,958.00

And you know what’s kind of neat, if you look at the x-rays, there are clearly two K-wire pins. Got two for the price of one. On special. Surgeon’s dozen!

So, adding the nearly 4,000$ “parts” bill to the nearly 6,000$ “shop” charges, plus the 170$ for labs and antibiotics while recuperating in the hospital’s ortho ward, I have officially passed the 10,000$ mark. I’m hoping with the surgeon’s and anaesthetist’s fees (you know, the “labor” part of the bill) I’ll cap 20k.  Thirty if I’m lucky.  C’mon, big money, big money!

And remember, folks:  please, spay and neuter your pets.

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